Adoptive brothers Reginald "Plank" Plank and Thelonius "Tipsy" Plank are inept British detectives who must deal with solving mysteries, their eccentric mother and each other.

All-ages.

While the setting calls for an English Manor and the deck of a steam ship this should not discourage anyone from producing with a limited budget. We acomplished the effect of a ship by clearing the stage and placing a railing at the front.

DE PERE - It's rare to enter a theater to see a person sprawled across a table with a knife in the back and a foot dangling from a fireplace. That's the way the evening starts with "The Brothers Plank" at Venture Theatre.

This time, Eserkaln toys with words and banter and spins out contrivances endlessly, starting from the get-go.

Running gags include Snyvling's attempts to poison, bomb, drown or bop himself to oblivion; Lady Aberline's extended death scenes; and the Plank Brothers' detective competition (they even keep score).

Eserkaln starts action in an English manor and manages to put the brothers on an ocean liner headed to Brazil. Shipboard characters pop up to fuel more tomfoolery for the brothers to play off of.

Venture Theatre - De Pere, WI - 2006
Rhinelander High School - Rhinelander, WI - March 2008

(TIPSY opens the kitchen door. CHEF LOUDE is hanging from a noose.)

TIPSY
Oh my God! There's a dead cook in here!

PLANK
We'll never get lunch now.

TIPSY
Now who's not being serious?

PLANK
Three murders. The cook--

SNYVLING
Chef Loude.

TIPSY
I thought you were Chef Loude.

SNYVLING
I lied. Murderers do that, you know.

TIPSY
I know now. So. That's the cook in there, and you're somebody else out here, eh?

PLANK
Yeeeeeees. And the maid--

SNYVLING
Betsy.

TIPSY
They all have names Plank.

PLANK
Yeeeeees. And...

SNYVLING
Lady Rockford.

PLANK
Right. Lady Rockford. I've got it! The murderer is... HER! Betsy! She killed them both, and then killed herself. A classic case of murder suicide... murder, murder, suicide, of the worst kind.

TIPSY
She killed herself?

PLANK
Yes.

TIPSY
By stuffing herself up the chimney?

(PLANK turns and looks. He pokes at BETSY's exposed feet with his pipe while he reconsiders. Then...)

PLANK
Yeeeeeeees!

TIPSY
I don't believe you could be more wrong if you tried.

PLANK
Are you sure? Looks to me to be a clear-cut case of self-chimney stuffing of the worst kind.

TIPSY
I think--

PLANK
No! Wait! I get this one! I’m first!

TIPSY
Okay.

PLANK
I've got it figured out. It was all an accident.

TIPSY
An accidental stabbing and hanging? Not to mention chimney stuffing.

PLANK
The morning begins. The household is doing their daily chores. Betsy is on the roof, clearing the gutters and removing a swallow's nest from the chimney. Chef Loude is at the kitchen preparing a noose to hang Lady Rockford's mink stole. A noose, as you know, is the traditional Belgian way of hanging mink stoles, and Chef Loude was, as we know, Belgian as the day is long. Lady Rockford is standing here, in front of the fireplace, sharpening her knife to cut thorough her early morning marmalade. The stage is set for disaster.
Suddenly Betsy slips. Perhaps a wayward crow had pecked at her feet. She falls, feet first into the chimney, and expires upon landing. Her foot kicks Lady Rockford's hand and she plunges the knife into her own back. Chef Loude, having heard Betsy fall, has climbed up onto the butcher’s block to get a better listen to the goings on on the roof. Meanwhile Lady Rockford stumbles across the room opening the kitchen door to gain the help of Chef Loude, before she can get his attention she expires thusly, her arm landing here, launching a fork across the room to the temple of Chef Loude, who, in his shock and surprise, falls into the noose and hangs himself. Moments before he expires, he closes the kitchen door, out of Belgian politeness. Ha!

TIPSY
What's this? A note. In the fire place. (reads to himself) A confession. "I stabbed her. I had to end the torment. Now I will hang myself and end the torment altogether." Looks like the letter's been altered -- like someone tried to rewrite it, then gave up, and tried to start it on fire. Excuse me, is this chimney hard to use?

SNYVLING
Yes. The pull chain for the flew is quite a ways up there. I'm told.

TIPSY
I just solved the murder. Chef Loude killed Lady Rockford to "end the torment", then he killed himself. Betsy the maid finds the two deceased, and the letter, attempts to rewrite the letter, gives up, attempts to burn the letter but gets caught in the chimney in the process of opening the flew. Murder, suicide, attempted cover-up-- accidental death. We just run the gambit here, don't we?

PLANK
You didn't solve anything. You found a letter.

TIPSY
I had to put it together.

PLANK
Oh! Read it! How hard is that?!

TIPSY
More than you did!

PLANK
I was postulating! I would have found the letter sooner or later!

TIPSY
But you DIDN'T!

LADY ABERLINE
Snyvling, this is a wonderful birthday present.

SNYVLING
I'm glad you enjoy it ma'am.

PLANK
Besides! You're wrong! He's the murderer. He said so.

TIPSY
He also said he lies all the time, so we're supposed to believe him?

PLANK
He said he's a murderer, and murderers lie all the time..... wait. I'll figure it out. Sir. Who are you?

SNYVLING
The gardener.

PLANK
Ah Ha!

TIPSY
Yes?

PLANK
Nothing. I just got excited. Sir. Are you lying about being the gardener?

SNYVLING
No.

TIPSY
You're going to trust him now?

PLANK
What choice do we have? The murder was obviously premeditated. PRE-meditated--

TIPSY
The mystery I'd like solved is when lunch is going to be served.

PLANK
You thought all this out, but yet you're still here as a witness. And, liar or not, we cannot remove that fact that you are STILL here.

TIPSY
Habitual liar?

SNYVLING
No.

TIPSY
See! He’s lying about that. What better twist then to give us a totally unreliable witness.

PLANK
Mother, is this true?

LADY ABERLINE
I have no idea, Snyvling set it up. Snyvling?

SNYVLING
(removing mustache) It's true.

TIPSY
So I was right? Murder, suicide, attempted cover-up, accidental death!

PLANK
So who were you supposed to be?

SNYVLING
Well.... (starts to walk with a limp.)

PLANK and TIPSY
The priest!

TIPSY
A lying priest, perfect.

PLANK
With a limp.

TIPSY
Right foot. That's one more for me. Snyvling, what's the score!?

SNYVLING
28 to 3.

TIPSY
That makes 15 in a row for me.

(PLANK attempts to strangle TIPSY.)