Walt, a television statistician, has been hired to write a soap opera that everyone will "statisically" love. He's never written a soap opera, but with the help of Dill, his imaginary friend, he might just do it... or kill himself trying.

Mild suggestive humor and adult situations

All the actors get to play at least two different characters, so this is a good play for character development work.

"Lustful Youth" is zesty, clever, original fun.
by Warren Gerds

De Pere - "Lustful Youth" -- ah, there's a title.

There's youth. There's lust. There's also a whole lot of satire as playwright Mike Eserkaln of De Pere picks on TV's inanities.

While "Lustful Youth" is loopy, it's not a slapped-together affair. Eserkaln has the ability to write a farce -- no simple feat -- with sensible bits to it.

Mostly, the cast members play soap characters going through merry mayhem at dizzying speed in a story dreamed up by Dill and Walt under the bigwig's three strict rules: it has to be done yesterday, be something everybody likes and place products.

Silly as it is, "Lustful Youth" has the overall zing and smartness that could lead it to being produced elsewhere. It's legit.

4 out of 4 stars

St. Norbert College - 1994
Venture Theatre, De Pere, WI - 2006
Creekside Players, Lake Country, British Columbia, Canada - November 2007

WALT
I should have a title.

DILL
Yes. Yes you should.

WALT
Something that everyone will like. Statistically. We're going for the youth market... so ... "Young" and sex sells... but you can't sell sex to the young. So....

DILL
Lust?

WALT
Okay. Lusting Youngsters.

DILL
How about Lustful Youth.

WALT
Better.

DILL
Good.

WALT
Now a location. Okay. What do the majority of people like?

DILL
I don’t know. Don’t care. What do you like?

WALT
Doesn’t matter what I like. This is for everyone else. Oceanside community. Low crime rate. Upper middle class house... Plush carpets... oak trim.. What do you think?

DILL
I like the title.

WALT
Now we just need to include some of this. (consults the sponsor list.)

DILL
Maybe you don't need me.

WALT
No, no, .. Don't go... I need your help with the action. I can do the generalities of what people like, but the specifics on what people do... I need your help.

DILL
Deal. A woman enters.

WALT
April.

DILL
Okay. April enters.

(APRIL enters she is dressed like a lusty pirate queen from the cover of a romance novel.)

DILL
(Looking at APRIL) Interesting choice of outfit.

WALT
Trust me, people will like it.

DILL
She walks towards the camera, then to the bar, and pours herself a drink. She looks at her watch, and then out the window.

(APRIL does this then freezes, as WALT scribbles in his journal)

WALT
What's she doing?

DILL
She's waiting. Then suddenly, the phone rings! (Phone does a half ring) No- wait. Before that, she does something to establish her character. She drinks a glass of scotch in one gulp.

WALT
(consults the product placement list) James Byron Scotch.

(APRIL pours a glass of scotch and drinks it rapidly.)

WALT (cont.)
Heavy drinker is she?

DILL
Not really, because she instantly regrets it with a grimace of pain.

(APRIL grimaces in intense pain)

DILL
She's an impulsive woman.

WALT
Then let's have her not use a glass.

DILL
Out of the bottle, I like it.

(APRIL chugs scotch from the bottle.)

WALT
Maybe just from the glass.

(APRIL pours and drinks another shot)

DILL
Don't second guess yourself.

WALT
You're right. Out of the bottle.

(APRIL drinks from the bottle and grimaces in pain again.)

DILL
She puts the bottle down and looks at it, as if to say, "I can’t believe what I’ve just done"

(APRIL puts down the bottle down, and clutching her chest, stares at the bottle in horror and freezes)

WALT
Won't that make her look like an alcoholic? (WALT moves forward to APRIL and looks at her face.) I mean, that look could be confused with a look of; "How can I keep doing this to myself?"

DILL
(Looking at APRIL) That look?

WALT
That look.

DILL
You don't think she’s expressing herself non-verbally.

WALT
Nope.

DILL
Well, then have her say something to the effect of what I said earlier.

APRIL
I can't believe I just did something that impulsive, drinking straight from a bottle of James Byron scotch. (looks out the window, then back at her watch.)

DILL
Now the phone rings. (phone rings once) She looks at it, as if to say, "I wonder who that is? I hope it's who I think it is."

WALT
Non-verbally again?

DILL
Unless you think the actor can't pull it off.

WALT
Better safe then sorry.

APRIL
I wonder who that it? I hope it's who I think it is.

WALT
Who is it anyway?

DILL
Maybe it's her lover.

WALT
Is that who she hopes it is?

DILL
Yes.

APRIL
I wonder who that is... I hope it's who I think it is. I hope it's my lover!

DILL
That's who she hopes it is, but it's not. Actually it's her husband. Yeah, she's cheating on her husband, and she's expecting her lover to contact her at any moment. So, she answers the phone, and says, breathlessly, "Hello"?

WALT
Why?

DILL
What do you say when you answer the phone?

WALT
Why does she answer breathlessly?

DILL
It's a soap opera staple. She's a sultry woman. That's how they talk on the phone. You know that.

WALT
But why?

DILL
She just does.

WALT
I'd better put in a reason. Things don't happen for no reason.

(APRIL runs in place for a moment, then across the room to the phone, only to realize that the bottle is still in her hand. She runs back to the bar, runs in place for a moment, then to the phone and answers, breathlessly.)

APRIL
Hello?

DILL
So, April says, "Hello? Oh hello..." Quick, what's her husband's name?

WALT AND APRIL
Jake.

DILL
"Hello... Oh hello, Jake.... I'm fine, how are you?... No, no the plumber hasn't arrived yet... when did you say you'd be home?... six o'clock?... okay... no, that's not too late... Yes, I'll see you then... Love you, bye..." Are you getting all this?

WALT
(staring at April and not writing.) Yeah, yeah,.. did you want all those pauses in there?

DILL
The person on the other end of the phone gets to talk too.

WALT
Right, right... Pauses, pauses... Right. Good. (Writes)

APRIL
Hello... oh... hello... Jake... I'm fine, how are... you? .... When did you.... say you’d .... be home?... Six.... o'clock?. Okay.... no, that's not too.... late... yes, I'll..... see you then... love.... you . Bye (Hangs up.)

DILL
Good. Maybe pay a little closer attention next time we have a phone call, okay.

WALT
Yeah. Sorry. She just looks great doesn't she?

DILL
Yeah, great. Now come on, we've got April - her husband Jake, and her lover, who we haven’t met yet. So, there’s a knock on the door.

WALT
What kind of knock?

DILL
Whatever, it doesn't matter.

WALT
It matters.

(There is a single loud thud of a knock on the door, followed by a rapid tiny hammering.)

DILL
She runs to the door and answers it...

WALT
Breathlessly.

(APRIL runs to the door with the phone in hand, realizes this, and runs back, puts the phone down, runs to the bar, picks up the bottle, drinks, grimaces, runs to the door, realizes she has the bottle in her hand, runs back to the bar, puts the bottle down, runs to the door, opens it and says breathlessly...)

APRIL
Hello.

DILL
Wait, she doesn't say hello. (APRIL slams the door shut in her lover's face) She says his name which is... (APRIL opens the door.)

APRIL AND WALT
Jake!

(JAKE II, played by the same actor as CARL, enters looking very much like the pirate king to APRIL's pirate queen look.

They pose together completing the picture of a romance novel cover. Wind blows their hair and clothing in a lusty way.)

DILL
That's her husband's name. What's April's lover's name?

WALT
Don't second guess yourself. It's Jake. There can be two guys with the same name. Maybe that’s what attracted her to him in the first place. Besides, she just talked to her husband Jake on the phone, and he said he won't be home until six.

DILL
Fine. Make it clear.

APRIL
Jake, the man who is not my husband, but is also named Jake.

WALT
Then they kiss?

DILL
Hold it. We need some quick character notes. Jake is--

WALT begins flipping through the "Word of the Day" calendar.

WALT
Suave.

DILL
Debonaire.

WALT
Jack of all trades.

DILL
Jake of all trades.

WALT
Now they kiss.

DILL
A passionate kiss.

(APRIL and JAKE II kiss passionately, but do not embrace.)

DILL (cont.)
Maybe they should embrace too.

WALT
Okay. (They embrace) This is fun.